Wedding Party Hell?

Mike and I had a party to introduce our bridal party to each other, our best friends, Mike’s sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. Our parents were also there.





Abby our 4 year-old flower girl was an absolute hellion. Neither parents nor grandparents did a thing to make her behave. She threw several tantrums. She wanted a cupcake for dessert and when her mother said not yet, Abby hit her several times and her mother did nothing! Mike’s dad said that’s not nice, and she hit him! Her behavior is worse each time we see them. Everyone insists that she’ll be an angel for the wedding, that at five she’ll behave much better. But she’s always like this and no one does anything to discipline her.





Because of her horrid behavior, I want Abby out of the wedding. Mike doesn’t want sis dropping out of the wedding and is afraid his family’s feelings will be hurt. I said that mine will be hurt a lot more if she ruins our wedding day.





Am I wrong here? I need some good advice!

Wedding Party Hell?
No, you are not wrong! If she is a hellion now, she will be a hellion at five ... trust me on this! However, taking her back out of the wedding party is going to require a lot of tact and really should have your fiance on point, so to speak. As gently as possible he simply should tell her that you have discussed it and have decided to not have a flower girl and really think that Abby will have a lot more fun at the wedding as a guest. Period. If he talks this over with sis privately then she should understand and if she doesn't, what can be done? Not much. If sis decides or chooses to become mad about it, hopefully she will cool off in time, if not, oh well.... it is not her wedding, it is yours!
Reply:say to the mother, after seeing abby at the engagement, i have decided that i was jumping the gun to have such a young child in the wedding party, and that it is not going to be good for her, because i am afraid it will be too much stimulation for her and i dont want her to be overwhelmed. she is such a dear that i just want her to be able to enjoy everything and not to have to be concerned about doing duties that may be beyond her age development, i am sure you are relieved and i know we will all feel better knowing she will not have to be stressed out and upset on the wedding day. by saying this you have not accused her or mom, you have put it all on yourself. and also if you say it this way you are not asking her, you are just telling her, and actually makingit seem llike you are concerned for the kid, when you and i both know that you are just watching out and rightfully so for yourself. be very sweet but firm and thend drop it completely. good luck
Reply:She should be out of the wedding.





She should learn that good behavior means she will be in the wedding and bad behavior should NOT be rewarded.





This is your day, do you want to look back on it and see her acting like a hellion because of something petty?





I would talk sternly to Abby in front of her parents and your fiance and state that since she is a very bad girl she will NOT be in the wedding.
Reply:Oh, so sorry you're having to deal with this! I don't have a great answer for you except to empathize with your pain. I think you are justified in firing your flower girl -- it's less about her personally than about the fact that you cannot trust her parents or grandparents to keep her in check during the event. That said, I honestly think you're going to fire the opening salvo for WWIII if you decommission Abby as your flower girl. Parents who tolerate tantrums and hitting by their children are so deep in denial that they will almost certainly bent out of shape and hold a permanent grudge when anyone suggests that their child is less than perfect. You and Mike definitely need to have a united front on this, no matter what you choose to do. Some of the other posters have come up with tactful ways to deliver the "you're fired" message. If you go down that road, do it together and don't waffle.





Good luck, and congrats on your wedding.
Reply:A monstrous flower girl isn't going to ruin your wedding day, she's going to give people a crazy story to tell when they're describing it. Lots of things happen on wedding days, that's what makes each one unique and interesting.





Bottom line is, it doesn't reflect on YOU if a 4-year-old misbehaves. If anything it says that you and your husband are gracious and kind even toward people who don't deserve it.





What I would do, however, is come up with a solid backup plan in case she throws a colossal tantrum before the ceremony. Maybe the first bridesmaid can litter the aisle with flower petals, or Grandma would like the honor.. . . or you can decide you'll be okay without a flower girl's function.





Might also sit down with her sometime when she's calm and not in a high-pressure public situation (maybe just before the rehearsal, the two of you can take aside) and explain how nice everything is expected to go. Tell her that if she can't handle it, she doesn't have to go through with it. . . . maybe if she feels like she's already "in control" of the situation, she won't have to act out in order to gain control.





Don't make this the center of your attention -- no one else is going to focus on that little girl. Your wedding day is all about you and your husband.
Reply:Your not wrong here, wow! i couldn't imagine my flowergirl acting that way. I would talk to your fiance and tell his sister that she needs to be alittle more sticked with her daughter-i for one don't let kids take advantage of their mom/dad--my nephew is somewhat like that,and i tell him in a mean loud voice "stop it,and knock it off" he ususally stops and sometimes cries,but he learning to not act like that. So tell your fiances sis that she needs to put in end to her rudeness or otherwise you will the day of "YOUR" wedding
Reply:why oh why did


you ask her in the


1st place, it will be


hard to uninvite her


now!!


Good Luck!!
Reply:I think you should still have her in the wedding. Armed with this information, you can have a back-up plan. Perhaps a relative who can take care of her if she acts up? Or give her an "incentive" to be on good behavior, like a toy or something. And keep reminding her how much everyone will enjoy seeing her so beautiful, carrying the flowers so well down the aisle.
Reply:This is why you need to carefully choose your wedding party BEFORE you ask people. Unfortunately, once you ask them, it's very hard to uninvite them. At this point, I believe your fiance is right and maintaining good family relations takes a higher priority than the possibility the little girl will misbehave. Even if she does, it's not a reflection on you, but on her parents.
Reply:I know exactly where you're coming from, but unfortunately I think you might be stuck with her since you've already asked. I have a cousin who is 4 that I considered asking to be in the wedding, but she is a total hell raiser just like Abby and I didn't trust her to behave herself at the ceremony! So my fiance and I went with our niece on his side, who will 18 mos. old at the wedding and at the most will just cry and have to be carried down the aisle by her mother.





I think that taking Abby out now would just cause unnecessary hassle with her parents and with your fiance. Unless you're really secure in sitting her parents down and explaining that you think she might be a little too young for the pressure (and assuming your husband is with you on it), you might just have to prepare a back-up plan, like suggested above, and hope for the best. I know that a kid having a tantrum is not the way you want to start off your ceremony, but I've been to weddings where that has happened, and I promise you that it won't taint the entire ceremony, nor the entire day. Everyone's focus with still be on you and everyone will forget about her for the time being. If anything, Abby's parents will be most embarrassed. Be sure to lay out the plan with her parents prior to the ceremony, and just say that in the event Abby decides she doesn't want to walk down the aisle or throws a fit, this is the room where her parents can take her during the ceremony. Don't leave it open for discussion. You have to have a contingency plan for any kid, and especially for one that has a less-than-stellar track record! Good luck.
Reply:I don't think you're wrong at all. You should take her out of the wedding because that day is not about his family or about Abby - it's about you and your husband. If his sister is immature enough to drop out of the wedding because she raised a spoiled brat, then let her go and find someone else. Believe me, she will NOT be an angel on the wedding day.
Reply:In some cultures, it's usual and even expected for any nearby adult to correct, or even restrain, a misbehaving child. I sometimes wish I lived in such a culture. Probably the best you can do at family gatherings is suggest that a parents could take Abby into another room until "she's feeling better."





It would probably be impossible to disinclude Abby now that she has been "officially invested with" the title of Flower Girl. However, there is nothing to stop you from including additional attendent(s) who are a bit older and who can be instructed to "make Abby behave." (Eight year olds effective, if often brutal, enforcers where small children are concerned.)
Reply:Abby will NOT be better for the wedding. Get her out.





At the best of times, kids are unpredictable. Why torment yourself with a child who alrady has a history of bad public behavior.





A gal I know had arranged for her niece to be flower girl. Same situation exactly. Demon child all the time. My friend was sure the kid would be awful at the wedding even though Mommy Dear swore she'd be fine and Demon Child said she REALLY, REALLY wanted to be in Auntie's wedding. Come church time, Niece freaked and was taken by Grandma to another room to have her meltdown. Not a nice expereince for ANYONE.
Reply:you are as right as it gets... sit the parents of the child and your fiance down for a talk..... explain that you dont want to upset her but you feel abby would be better off on the side lines rather then on the ille..... tell her that you think maybe she is to young for all the presure.... if she freeks then what can you do...... its your day not hers
Reply:Dude, I'd cut her out, I would have a very hard time to put tactfully that since no one has control of her at even semi-formal events you highly doubt anyone would be able to control her when necessary.





There's no reason for a 4 year old to act like that, and her behavior won't magically change at 5, if anything I'd bet on it getting worse.
Reply:Your future husband should say something to his sister about how he noticed Abby's behavior at the party and want to make sure that she can behave at the wedding. How you proceed depends on their reaction. If they are offended then you have a problem. If they are understanding then I think everything will be okay. Let him deal with it. You don't want to make waves with future in-laws before you are even married. This is why we didn't have kids in our wedding. They always misbehave or get nervous and distract from the bride right before she walks down the aisle.
Reply:You are correct here. This is your wedding and if you want Abby out of the wedding, then she must be out of the wedding! You don't need a flower girl, nor the stress that this ill-behaved child will magically be well behaved for your wedding. If anyone's feelings or hurt or they drop out of the wedding, that's THEIR problem. Any reasonable person could see why you don't think Abby is up to the job.





Mike needs to be a united front with you about this. If he insists on putting his family's feelings that they MIGHT be hurt above yours that you WILL be hurt, then he needs to rethink his loyalties, and you need to rethink whether he's husband material.





P.S. I love Chel's response. It's the epitomy of diplomacy for kicking the girl out of the wedding--couching it in terms that it's in her best interest to not be overstimulated, etc. I think Mike should deliver the news, however, but if he doesn't, you should.





I don't care for Terri's response at all. It's completely inappropriate to go up to a child and call her a bad kid!!! Her BEHAVIORS are bad, and she hasn't been taught any better b/c the mother is over-permissive. Let's remove the child from the wedding party, but speak to the mother and be very diplomatic.
Reply:Well.. it is your wedding.. and that is a VERY great possibility that she could really mess up your wedding with her behavior!!.. So i would actually talk to the parents about it.. and let them know that your watching out for her... And if anything i would just take the flowergirl out. If you have somebody to replace her.. then that's great.. but





You might think about just taking the flowergirl out period. Because they would help from further stepping on anyones toes!





Summing it up.. ITS YOUR wedding .. and if YOU don't want it.. then don't do it!!!
Reply:Kids that act like that dont get better just cuz they age, they get better only after the parents change the behavior which sounds like its not gonna happen. I would take her out of the wedding and not stress another min about it. Just let them down easy, just simply say you dont feel she is ready for this type of responsibility and that if you see her behavior improve then you may reconsider putting her back in. Let them know that its not that you dont love her its just too much pressure to put on this little angel (you say this but good lord you know you dont mean it). You would rather see her having a good time in the audience then getting scared and having a terrible time at the wedding. Sugar coat all of it and if they get crappy and offended after you say it nicely then let them have it! Tell them exactly how you feel about her and that you wont have her behavior ruin your special day, plain and simple, its YOUR day, she will have one too.


Kids sometimes are naughty, i have 2 myself - ages 11 and 9 - and they have NEVER hit me or swore at me or hurt me in any way because they know i wouldnt have tolerated it. I show them love but i also let them know what is acceptable and what is not.
Reply:If they have already bought Abby's dress, it's a little hard to ask her not to be in the wedding. How about having her walk down the aisle, then go sit with her parents during the ceremony? You can give her activity books to do so that she doesn't cause a stir during the wedding. (My cousin did this during her wedding for a hellion ring bearer and it worked out great.) She doesn't have to walk back down the aisle. All she has to do is walk out, sprinkle petals, and then sit with her parents. No big deal.
Reply:You are not wrong to feel this way, but it is very unfortunate that you have already asked her to be in the wedding.





I would have my fiance tell her mother that you guys were really surprised by Abby's behavior at the party. And by the way everyone seemed to accept it as okay. Have him tell her that you were really wanting to have her as a flowergirl, but want a formal, elegant, day also. If she can't or won't make her behave better than that, she just won't work as flowergirl.

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